O/T Jokes-sick or not, not fussed.

Discussion on LUFC and absolutely anything... welcome to the Dark Side
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eric olthwaite
Joined: Mon Feb 11, 2008 10:14 pm
Location: Over there, behind that bush

Re: O/T Jokes-sick or not, not fussed.

Postby eric olthwaite » Fri May 18, 2018 2:00 pm

Two dogs in a bar:

First dog: Heard a great joke the other day

Second dog: Let's hear it then

First dog: Knock kno...

Second dog: *goes fucking mental*

Eddies Boots
Joined: Thu May 08, 2008 5:07 am
Location: Arizona

Re: O/T Jokes-sick or not, not fussed.

Postby Eddies Boots » Fri May 18, 2018 8:23 pm

:lol: :lol: :lol:

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Phil LUFC
Joined: Tue Feb 12, 2008 12:26 pm
Location: Scunthorpe

Re: O/T Jokes-sick or not, not fussed.

Postby Phil LUFC » Sun May 20, 2018 8:20 pm

Sad news yesterday, the chap who invented predictive text has pissed away. His funfair is next monkey.

My grandad was from Leeds
Joined: Sun Dec 21, 2014 8:58 pm

Re: O/T Jokes-sick or not, not fussed.

Postby My grandad was from Leeds » Sat May 26, 2018 1:38 pm

Name five Scottish towns that have Formula 1 connections.

Stirling Moss
Eddie Irving
Johnny Dumfries
Lewis Hamilton


Ayr Town Centre.

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eric olthwaite
Joined: Mon Feb 11, 2008 10:14 pm
Location: Over there, behind that bush

Re: O/T Jokes-sick or not, not fussed.

Postby eric olthwaite » Thu Jul 19, 2018 2:42 pm

My girlfriend borrowed £100 from me. After 3 years, when we separated, she returned exactly £100.

I lost interest in that relationship.

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welshwhite
Joined: Mon Feb 11, 2008 9:15 pm

Re: O/T Jokes-sick or not, not fussed.

Postby welshwhite » Sat Jul 21, 2018 5:28 pm

My wife has left me a note:

"I'm leaving you because you're so stupid and bigoted."

Well I'm not stupid, I'm just dyslexic. And I can't help it if I have big toes.

JohnGiles
Joined: Sun Dec 31, 2017 6:51 pm

Re: O/T Jokes-sick or not, not fussed.

Postby JohnGiles » Sat Jul 21, 2018 5:32 pm

welshwhite wrote:My wife has left me a note:

"I'm leaving you because you're so stupid and bigoted."

Well I'm not stupid, I'm just dyslexic. And I can't help it if I have big toes.


Side-splitter

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Mustafaster
Joined: Mon Feb 11, 2008 10:02 am
Location: PC Brigade House.

Re: O/T Jokes-sick or not, not fussed.

Postby Mustafaster » Sun Jul 22, 2018 7:23 am

What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One's really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.
Mirrors and copulation are abominable, since they both multiply the numbers of men.

wimpy
Joined: Mon Feb 11, 2008 7:53 pm
Location: Southampton
Contact:

Re: O/T Jokes-sick or not, not fussed.

Postby wimpy » Wed Aug 08, 2018 11:38 am

I taught my dog to play the trumpet while on the underground. He went from Barking to Tooting in 10 minutes
@clements_lufc

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dirty leeds
Joined: Mon Feb 11, 2008 12:13 pm
Location: London

Re: O/T Jokes-sick or not, not fussed.

Postby dirty leeds » Wed Aug 08, 2018 11:48 am

wimpy wrote:I taught my dog to play the trumpet while on the underground. He went from Barking to Tooting in 10 minutes


Nah, that's over 20 stations. Forty-five minutes, at least. Mind you, it's still fairly impressive. For a dog.

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eric olthwaite
Joined: Mon Feb 11, 2008 10:14 pm
Location: Over there, behind that bush

Re: O/T Jokes-sick or not, not fussed.

Postby eric olthwaite » Wed Aug 15, 2018 8:53 pm

Astronaut 1: Hi mate, I can't find any milk for my coffee.

Astronaut 2: In space, no one can. Here, use cream.

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eric olthwaite
Joined: Mon Feb 11, 2008 10:14 pm
Location: Over there, behind that bush

Re: O/T Jokes-sick or not, not fussed.

Postby eric olthwaite » Thu Aug 16, 2018 7:15 am

doctor: [handing me my new born baby] I'm sorry but your wife didn't make it.

me: [handing baby back to him] bring me the one my wife made.

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eric olthwaite
Joined: Mon Feb 11, 2008 10:14 pm
Location: Over there, behind that bush

Re: O/T Jokes-sick or not, not fussed.

Postby eric olthwaite » Thu Aug 16, 2018 7:44 am

My grandparents were named Pearl and Dean...

but we called them Grandma and Grand papa-papa-papa-papa-papapaa..

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welshwhite
Joined: Mon Feb 11, 2008 9:15 pm

Re: O/T Jokes-sick or not, not fussed.

Postby welshwhite » Thu Aug 16, 2018 1:04 pm

Paul Gascoigne
‏Verified account @Paul_Gascoigne8

Just dropped my phone in mayonnaise. Fucking hellman haha xx
6:25 PM - 24 Jan 2018

Andymac-47
Joined: Mon Feb 24, 2014 3:06 pm
Location: Belfast

Re: O/T Jokes-sick or not, not fussed.

Postby Andymac-47 » Fri Aug 17, 2018 7:40 am

Reluctantly stole from Waccoe.

I told my new girlfriend my mum was hard of hearing and she needed to speak loudly and slow.
I told my mum that my new girlfriend was retarded.
Andymac


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