O/T Jokes-sick or not, not fussed.

Discussion on LUFC and absolutely anything... welcome to the Dark Side
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eric olthwaite
Joined: Mon Feb 11, 2008 10:14 pm
Location: Over there, behind that bush

Re: O/T Jokes-sick or not, not fussed.

Postby eric olthwaite » Fri May 18, 2018 2:00 pm

Two dogs in a bar:

First dog: Heard a great joke the other day

Second dog: Let's hear it then

First dog: Knock kno...

Second dog: *goes fucking mental*

Eddies Boots
Joined: Thu May 08, 2008 5:07 am
Location: Arizona

Re: O/T Jokes-sick or not, not fussed.

Postby Eddies Boots » Fri May 18, 2018 8:23 pm

:lol: :lol: :lol:

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Phil LUFC
Joined: Tue Feb 12, 2008 12:26 pm
Location: Scunthorpe

Re: O/T Jokes-sick or not, not fussed.

Postby Phil LUFC » Sun May 20, 2018 8:20 pm

Sad news yesterday, the chap who invented predictive text has pissed away. His funfair is next monkey.

My grandad was from Leeds
Joined: Sun Dec 21, 2014 8:58 pm

Re: O/T Jokes-sick or not, not fussed.

Postby My grandad was from Leeds » Sat May 26, 2018 1:38 pm

Name five Scottish towns that have Formula 1 connections.

Stirling Moss
Eddie Irving
Johnny Dumfries
Lewis Hamilton


Ayr Town Centre.

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eric olthwaite
Joined: Mon Feb 11, 2008 10:14 pm
Location: Over there, behind that bush

Re: O/T Jokes-sick or not, not fussed.

Postby eric olthwaite » Thu Jul 19, 2018 2:42 pm

My girlfriend borrowed £100 from me. After 3 years, when we separated, she returned exactly £100.

I lost interest in that relationship.

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welshwhite
Joined: Mon Feb 11, 2008 9:15 pm

Re: O/T Jokes-sick or not, not fussed.

Postby welshwhite » Sat Jul 21, 2018 5:28 pm

My wife has left me a note:

"I'm leaving you because you're so stupid and bigoted."

Well I'm not stupid, I'm just dyslexic. And I can't help it if I have big toes.

JohnGiles
Joined: Sun Dec 31, 2017 6:51 pm

Re: O/T Jokes-sick or not, not fussed.

Postby JohnGiles » Sat Jul 21, 2018 5:32 pm

welshwhite wrote:My wife has left me a note:

"I'm leaving you because you're so stupid and bigoted."

Well I'm not stupid, I'm just dyslexic. And I can't help it if I have big toes.


Side-splitter

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Mustafaster
Joined: Mon Feb 11, 2008 10:02 am
Location: PC Brigade House.

Re: O/T Jokes-sick or not, not fussed.

Postby Mustafaster » Sun Jul 22, 2018 7:23 am

What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One's really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.
Mirrors and copulation are abominable, since they both multiply the numbers of men.

wimpy
Joined: Mon Feb 11, 2008 7:53 pm
Location: Southampton
Contact:

Re: O/T Jokes-sick or not, not fussed.

Postby wimpy » Wed Aug 08, 2018 11:38 am

I taught my dog to play the trumpet while on the underground. He went from Barking to Tooting in 10 minutes
@clements_lufc

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dirty leeds
Joined: Mon Feb 11, 2008 12:13 pm
Location: London

Re: O/T Jokes-sick or not, not fussed.

Postby dirty leeds » Wed Aug 08, 2018 11:48 am

wimpy wrote:I taught my dog to play the trumpet while on the underground. He went from Barking to Tooting in 10 minutes


Nah, that's over 20 stations. Forty-five minutes, at least. Mind you, it's still fairly impressive. For a dog.

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eric olthwaite
Joined: Mon Feb 11, 2008 10:14 pm
Location: Over there, behind that bush

Re: O/T Jokes-sick or not, not fussed.

Postby eric olthwaite » Wed Aug 15, 2018 8:53 pm

Astronaut 1: Hi mate, I can't find any milk for my coffee.

Astronaut 2: In space, no one can. Here, use cream.

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eric olthwaite
Joined: Mon Feb 11, 2008 10:14 pm
Location: Over there, behind that bush

Re: O/T Jokes-sick or not, not fussed.

Postby eric olthwaite » Thu Aug 16, 2018 7:15 am

doctor: [handing me my new born baby] I'm sorry but your wife didn't make it.

me: [handing baby back to him] bring me the one my wife made.

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eric olthwaite
Joined: Mon Feb 11, 2008 10:14 pm
Location: Over there, behind that bush

Re: O/T Jokes-sick or not, not fussed.

Postby eric olthwaite » Thu Aug 16, 2018 7:44 am

My grandparents were named Pearl and Dean...

but we called them Grandma and Grand papa-papa-papa-papa-papapaa..

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welshwhite
Joined: Mon Feb 11, 2008 9:15 pm

Re: O/T Jokes-sick or not, not fussed.

Postby welshwhite » Thu Aug 16, 2018 1:04 pm

Paul Gascoigne
‏Verified account @Paul_Gascoigne8

Just dropped my phone in mayonnaise. Fucking hellman haha xx
6:25 PM - 24 Jan 2018

Andymac-47
Joined: Mon Feb 24, 2014 3:06 pm
Location: Belfast

Re: O/T Jokes-sick or not, not fussed.

Postby Andymac-47 » Fri Aug 17, 2018 7:40 am

Reluctantly stole from Waccoe.

I told my new girlfriend my mum was hard of hearing and she needed to speak loudly and slow.
I told my mum that my new girlfriend was retarded.
Andymac

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AndyPaul
Joined: Tue Feb 12, 2008 9:27 am
Location: Middlesbrough

Re: O/T Jokes-sick or not, not fussed.

Postby AndyPaul » Fri Sep 14, 2018 8:57 am

How do you spot a blind man in a nudist colony?



It’s not hard

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Blackwhite
Joined: Sun Feb 24, 2008 1:07 am
Location: Arse end of nowhere

Re: O/T Jokes-sick or not, not fussed.

Postby Blackwhite » Sat Sep 15, 2018 2:54 pm

One from the precambrian...



Two guys with dwarfism are having a lads' night out, and both pull, taking the girls back to their hotel rooms. The first finds he's too drunk and can't get it up, so apologises and gives his date cab fare home. He then tries to sleep off his shame but is disturbed by the mate's voice from the next room: "1-2-3-UGH,1-2-3-UGH,1-2-3-UGH,1-2-3-UGH,..." Eventually he gets to sleep.

Next morning he meets his mate for breakfast and confesses "Sorry if I'm quiet, but I couldn't get it up last night." His mate pats him on the back and says "Don't worry fella, I couldn't even get onto the bed."
You know, I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with 'em later.

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eric olthwaite
Joined: Mon Feb 11, 2008 10:14 pm
Location: Over there, behind that bush

Re: O/T Jokes-sick or not, not fussed.

Postby eric olthwaite » Mon Oct 01, 2018 3:54 pm

Statistics say 1 in 3 households live next to a paedophile.

Not us. We live next door to some sexy kids though.

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Blackwhite
Joined: Sun Feb 24, 2008 1:07 am
Location: Arse end of nowhere

Re: O/T Jokes-sick or not, not fussed.

Postby Blackwhite » Thu Oct 18, 2018 6:45 pm

From the popbitch old jokes, but new to me,

I had a surprise bukkake party for my wife last night.
Everyone came. You should've seen her face!
You know, I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with 'em later.


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