O/T Jokes-sick or not, not fussed.

Discussion on LUFC and absolutely anything... welcome to the Dark Side
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Vampire
Joined: Sat Aug 23, 2008 4:19 am

Re: O/T Jokes-sick or not, not fussed.

Postby Vampire » Sun Mar 15, 2020 10:58 am

A dyslexic ran out and cleared the shelves of sausage rolls and scotch eggs after thinking he’d read “picnic buying.”
There will be no end to the problems afflicting mankind until economists become rulers, or, by some miracle, rulers become economists.

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Devi
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Re: O/T Jokes-sick or not, not fussed.

Postby Devi » Mon Mar 16, 2020 1:31 pm

Scientists removed the right half brain of a man...

...and then, they asked him to count to ten. The man counted, "two, four, six, eight, ten."

Then they put the right-half back and removed the left-half, and again asked the man to count to ten. The man counted, "one, three, five, seven, nine."

The scientists then removed both halves of the man's brain, and asked him again to count to ten.

The man said, "look, we're gonna count to ten. We're gonna count. Because I know numbers, I have the best numbers. All the politicians in Washington can't count to one-believe me, I've counted to one many, many times. They said we couldn't count to ten. Well, I'm beating all of those people in the polls. We're gonna count to ten. Everybody, count to ten. Okay? And let me tell you - let me tell you something. I will be the best counting President God has ever created. We are gonna count to so many tens, I tell you. Look at that!"
I like it. What is it?

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Ponte
Joined: Mon Feb 11, 2008 9:36 am
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Re: O/T Jokes-sick or not, not fussed.

Postby Ponte » Mon Mar 16, 2020 7:37 pm

Devi wrote:Scientists removed the right half brain of a man...

...and then, they asked him to count to ten. The man counted, "two, four, six, eight, ten."

Then they put the right-half back and removed the left-half, and again asked the man to count to ten. The man counted, "one, three, five, seven, nine."

The scientists then removed both halves of the man's brain, and asked him again to count to ten.

The man said, "look, we're gonna count to ten. We're gonna count. Because I know numbers, I have the best numbers. All the politicians in Washington can't count to one-believe me, I've counted to one many, many times. They said we couldn't count to ten. Well, I'm beating all of those people in the polls. We're gonna count to ten. Everybody, count to ten. Okay? And let me tell you - let me tell you something. I will be the best counting President God has ever created. We are gonna count to so many tens, I tell you. Look at that!"

:lol:
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Hmmm.

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Devi
Joined: Mon Jan 28, 2013 6:15 pm
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Re: O/T Jokes-sick or not, not fussed.

Postby Devi » Tue Mar 17, 2020 9:35 am

I like it. What is it?

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OWETB
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Re: O/T Jokes-sick or not, not fussed.

Postby OWETB » Sat Mar 21, 2020 2:51 pm

Wetherspoons pubs are not closing until Monday, this is to give people a chance to get back from the toilets.

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Blackwhite
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Re: O/T Jokes-sick or not, not fussed.

Postby Blackwhite » Sun Mar 22, 2020 12:22 pm

You know, I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with 'em later.

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dirty leeds
Joined: Mon Feb 11, 2008 12:13 pm
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Re: O/T Jokes-sick or not, not fussed.

Postby dirty leeds » Sun Mar 22, 2020 12:41 pm

Blackwhite wrote:https://twitter.com/Aldousmarx/status/1241649004057853960?s=19


Heh-heh.

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eric olthwaite
Joined: Mon Feb 11, 2008 10:14 pm
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Re: O/T Jokes-sick or not, not fussed.

Postby eric olthwaite » Sun Mar 22, 2020 9:08 pm

Heard a Dr. on TV say to have inner peace we should always finish things we start and we all could use more calm in our lives. I looked through my house to find things i'd started and hadn't finished, so I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiumun srciptuns, an a box a chocletz. Yu haf no idr how feckin fablus I feel rite now. Sned this to all who need inner piss. An telum u luvum.
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dirty leeds
Joined: Mon Feb 11, 2008 12:13 pm
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Re: O/T Jokes-sick or not, not fussed.

Postby dirty leeds » Sun Mar 22, 2020 9:14 pm

eric olthwaite wrote:Heard a Dr. on TV say to have inner peace we should always finish things we start and we all could use more calm in our lives. I looked through my house to find things i'd started and hadn't finished, so I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiumun srciptuns, an a box a chocletz. Yu haf no idr how feckin fablus I feel rite now. Sned this to all who need inner piss. An telum u luvum.


:mrgreen:

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Tycipa
Joined: Thu Jul 19, 2012 4:39 pm

Re: O/T Jokes-sick or not, not fussed.

Postby Tycipa » Sun Mar 22, 2020 10:04 pm

Went to the supermarket today and bought 40 boxes of Oxo cubes. Thought I’d do a bit of stockpiling,
The fact that we are not taking care of the planet, our children will pay the consequences. With football it will be the same because we're destroying football and in the future we'll see the negative effects. Those who have power are responsible for it.

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Ontolly
Joined: Mon Feb 11, 2008 9:36 pm
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Re: O/T Jokes-sick or not, not fussed.

Postby Ontolly » Sun Mar 22, 2020 10:09 pm

Fucking thieving bastards. Left my Kiko Casilla replica shirt on the washing line earlier today. Some cunt has stolen the pegs :x
The only thing we knew for sure about Henry Porter was that his name wasn't Henry Porter.

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barry white
Joined: Mon Feb 11, 2008 7:31 am

Re: O/T Jokes-sick or not, not fussed.

Postby barry white » Tue Mar 24, 2020 9:17 am

Timpsons has shut down, despite them *literally* being key workers.

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metalsmurf
Joined: Sat Nov 01, 2008 10:08 am
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Re: O/T Jokes-sick or not, not fussed.

Postby metalsmurf » Tue Mar 24, 2020 6:28 pm

Me: Put this nurses uniform on
Her: Oooh, what have you got in mind?
Me: We need a loaf
Because a thing seems difficult for you, do not think it impossible for anyone to accomplish.

London_White
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Re: O/T Jokes-sick or not, not fussed.

Postby London_White » Thu Mar 26, 2020 9:21 am

[img]IMG-20200326-WA0000.jpg[/img]
Attachments
IMG-20200326-WA0000.jpg

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Devi
Joined: Mon Jan 28, 2013 6:15 pm
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Re: O/T Jokes-sick or not, not fussed.

Postby Devi » Thu Mar 26, 2020 4:23 pm

If you receive an email with the subject "Ding Dong", don't open it.

It's Jehovah's Witnesses working from home.
I like it. What is it?

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eric olthwaite
Joined: Mon Feb 11, 2008 10:14 pm
Location: Over there, behind that bush

Re: O/T Jokes-sick or not, not fussed.

Postby eric olthwaite » Fri Mar 27, 2020 6:17 pm

Just a heads up, if you get an email from the Department for Health saying not to eat tinned pork because it contains Covid-19 ignore it. It’s spam.
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Blackwhite
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Re: O/T Jokes-sick or not, not fussed.

Postby Blackwhite » Sat Mar 28, 2020 12:12 pm

Mark Francois's plague diary, a thread:

You know, I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with 'em later.

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eric olthwaite
Joined: Mon Feb 11, 2008 10:14 pm
Location: Over there, behind that bush

Re: O/T Jokes-sick or not, not fussed.

Postby eric olthwaite » Sun Mar 29, 2020 6:58 pm

Robbed off Frankie Boyle

In the park, someone has tried to cheer people up by chalking "You Got This!" on the ground. Literally the last thing you want to hear in a pandemic.
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Blackwhite
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Re: O/T Jokes-sick or not, not fussed.

Postby Blackwhite » Mon Mar 30, 2020 11:57 am

Cross posting this here as I keep remembering lines from the write up and laughing out loud. It's medicinal comedy gold in case you were avoiding it.

Blackwhite wrote:Still, on a lighter note, the Australian scientists are trying to help, bless'em.
You know, I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with 'em later.

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eric olthwaite
Joined: Mon Feb 11, 2008 10:14 pm
Location: Over there, behind that bush

Re: O/T Jokes-sick or not, not fussed.

Postby eric olthwaite » Mon Mar 30, 2020 12:46 pm

I’m enjoying cooking with whatever ingredients we’ve got lying around, and particularly putting spare German wine into recipes.

Y’know: just making things up on an add hock basis
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