O/T Jokes-sick or not, not fussed.

Discussion on LUFC and absolutely anything... welcome to the Dark Side
Eddies Boots
Joined: Thu May 08, 2008 5:07 am
Location: Arizona

Re: O/T Jokes-sick or not, not fussed.

Postby Eddies Boots » Tue Jul 18, 2017 4:49 am

Beer Pig wrote:


:lol: :lol:

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welshwhite
Joined: Mon Feb 11, 2008 9:15 pm

Re: O/T Jokes-sick or not, not fussed.

Postby welshwhite » Mon Jul 24, 2017 8:04 pm

There's a new razor designed for dyslexics.

It's the best thing since sliced beard.

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Tycipa
Joined: Thu Jul 19, 2012 4:39 pm

Re: O/T Jokes-sick or not, not fussed.

Postby Tycipa » Tue Aug 22, 2017 8:26 am

From the BBC

The top 15 funniest jokes from the Fringe
1. "I'm not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate all change" - Ken Cheng
2. "Trump's nothing like Hitler. There's no way he could write a book" - Frankie Boyle
3. "I've given up asking rhetorical questions. What's the point?" - Alexei Sayle
4. "I'm looking for the girl next door type. I'm just gonna keep moving house till I find her" - Lew Fitz
5. "I like to imagine the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the 'brella'. But he hesitated" - Andy Field
6. "Combine Harvesters. And you'll have a really big restaurant" - Mark Simmons
7. "I'm rubbish with names. It's not my fault, it's a condition. There's a name for it..." - Jimeoin
8. "I have two boys, 5 and 6. We're no good at naming things in our house" - Ed Byrne
9. "I wasn't particularly close to my dad before he died... which was lucky, because he trod on a land mine" - Olaf Falafel
10. "Whenever someone says, 'I don't believe in coincidences.' I say, 'Oh my God, me neither!"' - Alasdair Beckett-King
11. "A friend tricked me into going to Wimbledon by telling me it was a men's singles event" - Angela Barnes
12. "As a vegan, I think people who sell meat are disgusting; but apparently people who sell fruit and veg are grocer" - Adele Cliff
13. "For me dying is a lot like going camping. I don't want to do it" - Phil Wang
14. "I wonder how many chameleons snuck onto the Ark" - Adam Hess
15. "I went to a Pretenders gig. It was a tribute act" - Tim Vine
The fact that we are not taking care of the planet, our children will pay the consequences. With football it will be the same because we're destroying football and in the future we'll see the negative effects. Those who have power are responsible for it.

Beer Pig
Joined: Mon Feb 11, 2008 10:45 am
Location: Doncaster

Re: O/T Jokes-sick or not, not fussed.

Postby Beer Pig » Fri Aug 25, 2017 2:42 pm

Image
Image
I gave up beer, it was the worst 15 minutes of my life.

Beer Pig
Joined: Mon Feb 11, 2008 10:45 am
Location: Doncaster

Re: O/T Jokes-sick or not, not fussed.

Postby Beer Pig » Wed Sep 06, 2017 3:15 pm

TO THE ADMIN OF THIS GROUP;
CAN YOU PLEASE TRY TO HAVE A LITTLE MORE CONTROL OVER WHO YOU LET IN. THERE IS A NEW MEMBER. AN ELDERLY WOMAN. SHE HAS BEEN PRIVATELY MESSAGING MEN. SHE SENDS NAKED PICTURES OF HERSELF IN GROTESQUE POSES ALONG WITH CLOSE UPS OF HER LADY GARDEN. SHE IS OFFERING A SAMSUNG GALAXY S8 IN EXCHANGE FOR SEXUAL FAVOURS.
I AM ESPECIALLY UPSET BECAUSE AS IT TURNS OUT, THE PHONE WASN'T EVEN A GALAXY S8... IT WAS A GALAXY S5 AND IT OBVIOUSLY HAS A VIRUS BECAUSE IT'S REALLY SLOW. IF THAT WASN'T BAD ENOUGH... THE CAPS LOCK BUTTON STICKS
I gave up beer, it was the worst 15 minutes of my life.

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Devi
Joined: Mon Jan 28, 2013 6:15 pm
Location: Crystal Palarse

Re: O/T Jokes-sick or not, not fussed.

Postby Devi » Thu Sep 14, 2017 11:05 am

This Fibonacci joke is as bad as the last two you heard combined.
I like it. What is it?

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Blackwhite
Joined: Sun Feb 24, 2008 1:07 am
Location: Arse end of nowhere

Re: O/T Jokes-sick or not, not fussed.

Postby Blackwhite » Sat Sep 16, 2017 3:00 pm

It's a really unhappy day for me, I've just heard a mate of mine has been struck off. It's a terrible decision by the authorities, ignores a wonderful surgical career filled with triumphs and at one stroke makes all his many years of study and training into a huge waste of time and expense, and for what gain. He had an affair with one patient, one, out of thousands, and they were already really good friends. I hope his personal and professional pride survives it. What a waste of a fine man and a great vet.
You know, I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with 'em later.

Munson
Joined: Fri Jun 26, 2015 4:28 am

Re: O/T Jokes-sick or not, not fussed.

Postby Munson » Sun Sep 17, 2017 10:44 am

Blackwhite wrote:It's a really unhappy day for me, I've just heard a mate of mine has been struck off. It's a terrible decision by the authorities, ignores a wonderful surgical career filled with triumphs and at one stroke makes all his many years of study and training into a huge waste of time and expense, and for what gain. He had an affair with one patient, one, out of thousands, and they were already really good friends. I hope his personal and professional pride survives it. What a waste of a fine man and a great vet.


Good, but PTBL beat you to the punch last year.

Edit. I seem to recall...

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Blackwhite
Joined: Sun Feb 24, 2008 1:07 am
Location: Arse end of nowhere

Re: O/T Jokes-sick or not, not fussed.

Postby Blackwhite » Sun Sep 17, 2017 11:46 am

I did wonder... But a cunt to search for.
You know, I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with 'em later.

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Phil LUFC
Joined: Tue Feb 12, 2008 12:26 pm
Location: Scunthorpe

Re: O/T Jokes-sick or not, not fussed.

Postby Phil LUFC » Thu Oct 26, 2017 6:41 pm

Hate it when people ask “ where will you be in 3 years time”?....... I haven’t got 2020 vision ....

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Phil LUFC
Joined: Tue Feb 12, 2008 12:26 pm
Location: Scunthorpe

Re: O/T Jokes-sick or not, not fussed.

Postby Phil LUFC » Sun Nov 26, 2017 12:05 pm

My wife keeps complaining about my premature ejaculation.

She took it on the chin at first but now it just gets on her tits!

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eric olthwaite
Joined: Mon Feb 11, 2008 10:14 pm
Location: Over there, behind that bush

Re: O/T Jokes-sick or not, not fussed.

Postby eric olthwaite » Sat Dec 09, 2017 12:43 pm

Two scientists walk into a bar.
"I'll have H2O," says the 1st.
"I'll have H2O, too," says the 2nd.
Bartender gives them water because he is able to distinguish the boundary tones that dictate the grammatical function of homonyms in coda position, as well as pragmatic context.

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Ontolly
Joined: Mon Feb 11, 2008 9:36 pm
Location: Shrewsbury

Re: O/T Jokes-sick or not, not fussed.

Postby Ontolly » Sat Dec 09, 2017 12:51 pm

eric olthwaite wrote:Two scientists walk into a bar.
"I'll have H2O," says the 1st.
"I'll have H2O, too," says the 2nd.
Bartender gives them water because he is able to distinguish the boundary tones that dictate the grammatical function of homonyms in coda position, as well as pragmatic context.

I don't get it
The only thing we knew for sure about Henry Porter was that his name wasn't Henry Porter.

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welshwhite
Joined: Mon Feb 11, 2008 9:15 pm

Re: O/T Jokes-sick or not, not fussed.

Postby welshwhite » Sat Dec 09, 2017 1:09 pm

Ontolly wrote:
eric olthwaite wrote:Two scientists walk into a bar.
"I'll have H2O," says the 1st.
"I'll have H2O, too," says the 2nd.
Bartender gives them water because he is able to distinguish the boundary tones that dictate the grammatical function of homonyms in coda position, as well as pragmatic context.

I don't get it


The bartender was unsure if it was the genuine liquid that descends from the clouds as rain, forms streams, lakes, and seas, and is a major constituent of all living matter and that when pure is an odorless, tasteless, very slightly compressible liquid oxide of hydrogen H2O which appears bluish in thick layers, freezes at 0° C and boils at 100° C, has a maximum density at 4° C and a high specific heat, is feebly ionized to hydrogen and hydroxyl ions, and is a poor conductor of electricity and a good solvent.

I hope that helps :thumbl:

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Ontolly
Joined: Mon Feb 11, 2008 9:36 pm
Location: Shrewsbury

Re: O/T Jokes-sick or not, not fussed.

Postby Ontolly » Sat Dec 09, 2017 1:16 pm

welshwhite wrote:
Ontolly wrote:
eric olthwaite wrote:Two scientists walk into a bar.
"I'll have H2O," says the 1st.
"I'll have H2O, too," says the 2nd.
Bartender gives them water because he is able to distinguish the boundary tones that dictate the grammatical function of homonyms in coda position, as well as pragmatic context.

I don't get it


The bartender was unsure if it was the genuine liquid that descends from the clouds as rain, forms streams, lakes, and seas, and is a major constituent of all living matter and that when pure is an odorless, tasteless, very slightly compressible liquid oxide of hydrogen H2O which appears bluish in thick layers, freezes at 0° C and boils at 100° C, has a maximum density at 4° C and a high specific heat, is feebly ionized to hydrogen and hydroxyl ions, and is a poor conductor of electricity and a good solvent.

I hope that helps :thumbl:


Thanks. Makes perfect sense now although as a joke it's up there with the agnostic dyslexic insomniac laying in bed wondering about a dog :thumbd:
The only thing we knew for sure about Henry Porter was that his name wasn't Henry Porter.

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Blackwhite
Joined: Sun Feb 24, 2008 1:07 am
Location: Arse end of nowhere

Re: O/T Jokes-sick or not, not fussed.

Postby Blackwhite » Sat Dec 09, 2017 1:18 pm

That's only half the joke though... And Eric missed out the word "both".
You know, I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with 'em later.

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Devi
Joined: Mon Jan 28, 2013 6:15 pm
Location: Crystal Palarse

Re: O/T Jokes-sick or not, not fussed.

Postby Devi » Wed Dec 13, 2017 1:38 pm

Where does Jona Louie do his Christmas shopping?


Debenebenhamnams
Debeneemenhams
Debenhamnams
Debenhams
Debenemanhams
I like it. What is it?

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Tycipa
Joined: Thu Jul 19, 2012 4:39 pm

Re: O/T Jokes-sick or not, not fussed.

Postby Tycipa » Wed Dec 13, 2017 2:11 pm

I was driving last night and got myself completely lost, so I stopped and asked a man if he knew the Leeds turnoff.
“I should do,” replied the man. “I married her.”
The fact that we are not taking care of the planet, our children will pay the consequences. With football it will be the same because we're destroying football and in the future we'll see the negative effects. Those who have power are responsible for it.

Andymac-47
Joined: Mon Feb 24, 2014 3:06 pm
Location: Belfast

Re: O/T Jokes-sick or not, not fussed.

Postby Andymac-47 » Wed Dec 13, 2017 6:45 pm

Devi wrote:Where does Jona Louie do his Christmas shopping?


Debenebenhamnams
Debeneemenhams
Debenhamnams
Debenhams
Debenemanhams


That's really bad. ......
Andymac

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Devi
Joined: Mon Jan 28, 2013 6:15 pm
Location: Crystal Palarse

Re: O/T Jokes-sick or not, not fussed.

Postby Devi » Wed Dec 13, 2017 7:09 pm

:cheers:
I like it. What is it?


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