O/T Jokes-sick or not, not fussed.

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burnleyinexile
Joined: Mon Feb 11, 2008 7:27 pm
Location: Take a wild guess

O/T Jokes-sick or not, not fussed.

Postby burnleyinexile » Fri Mar 07, 2008 9:33 pm

A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher and says he's sending a friend
over to look at a horse.


His buddy asks, 'How will I recognise him?'


'That's easy; he's a midget with a speech impediment.'


So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male
or female horse.

'A female horth.'


So he shows him a prized filly.

'Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth'?

So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.

'Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth'?


So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.

'Nith earzth, can I see her mouf'?

The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him
up again and shows him the horse's mouth.

'Nice mouf, can I see her twot'?

Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms
and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's fanny, pulls
him out and slams him on the ground.

The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.



'Perhapth I should rephrase that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit'?
"Those who have long enjoyed such privileges as we enjoy forget in time that men have died to win them"

“We sleep safe in our beds because rough men stand ready in the night to visit violence on those who would do us harm.”

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ChrisB
Joined: Mon Feb 11, 2008 12:16 pm

Re: O/T Jokes-sick or not, not fussed.

Postby ChrisB » Fri Mar 07, 2008 10:11 pm

Knock yourself out:
http://www.sickipedia.org/

col
Joined: Fri Feb 15, 2008 8:44 pm
Location: Birmingham

Re: O/T Jokes-sick or not, not fussed.

Postby col » Sat Mar 08, 2008 12:04 am

oh bollocks :o

off to bed, long day - can we all get together and kill Phil? Uma Thurman may want a go but only to deficate on his rotting corpse
fuck off

Beer Pig
Joined: Mon Feb 11, 2008 10:45 am
Location: Doncaster

Re: O/T Jokes-sick or not, not fussed.

Postby Beer Pig » Sat Mar 08, 2008 12:27 pm

Have you ever wondered if your mother kissed you good night after giving your dad a blow job? I bet you are now, your turn to ruin someone else's day....
I gave up beer, it was the worst 15 minutes of my life.

Beer Pig
Joined: Mon Feb 11, 2008 10:45 am
Location: Doncaster

Re: O/T Jokes-sick or not, not fussed.

Postby Beer Pig » Sat Mar 08, 2008 12:33 pm

what's the difference between Jersey Royals and Jersey orphans?
The Jersey Royals get dug up within a year.
I gave up beer, it was the worst 15 minutes of my life.

Beer Pig
Joined: Mon Feb 11, 2008 10:45 am
Location: Doncaster

Re: O/T Jokes-sick or not, not fussed.

Postby Beer Pig » Sat Mar 08, 2008 12:35 pm

This years tug of war competition in Bridgend has been canceled due to a shortage of rope.
I gave up beer, it was the worst 15 minutes of my life.

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burnleyinexile
Joined: Mon Feb 11, 2008 7:27 pm
Location: Take a wild guess

Re: O/T Jokes-sick or not, not fussed.

Postby burnleyinexile » Sat Mar 08, 2008 12:51 pm

What's black and screams?


Stevie Wonder answering the iron
"Those who have long enjoyed such privileges as we enjoy forget in time that men have died to win them"

“We sleep safe in our beds because rough men stand ready in the night to visit violence on those who would do us harm.”

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burnleyinexile
Joined: Mon Feb 11, 2008 7:27 pm
Location: Take a wild guess

Re: O/T Jokes-sick or not, not fussed.

Postby burnleyinexile » Sat Mar 08, 2008 1:09 pm

Shipman's last meal was a curry. When asked afterwards if he enjoyed it, he replied that it was OK but he could've murdered a nan.
"Those who have long enjoyed such privileges as we enjoy forget in time that men have died to win them"

“We sleep safe in our beds because rough men stand ready in the night to visit violence on those who would do us harm.”

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burnleyinexile
Joined: Mon Feb 11, 2008 7:27 pm
Location: Take a wild guess

Re: O/T Jokes-sick or not, not fussed.

Postby burnleyinexile » Sat Mar 08, 2008 1:09 pm

They are going to make a film about Harold Shipman starring Robert De Niro. Title: The Old Dear Hunter.
"Those who have long enjoyed such privileges as we enjoy forget in time that men have died to win them"

“We sleep safe in our beds because rough men stand ready in the night to visit violence on those who would do us harm.”

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burnleyinexile
Joined: Mon Feb 11, 2008 7:27 pm
Location: Take a wild guess

Re: O/T Jokes-sick or not, not fussed.

Postby burnleyinexile » Sat Mar 08, 2008 1:17 pm

What do you call an annorexic with a yeast infection?

A quarter pounder with cheese.
"Those who have long enjoyed such privileges as we enjoy forget in time that men have died to win them"

“We sleep safe in our beds because rough men stand ready in the night to visit violence on those who would do us harm.”

User avatar
burnleyinexile
Joined: Mon Feb 11, 2008 7:27 pm
Location: Take a wild guess

Re: O/T Jokes-sick or not, not fussed.

Postby burnleyinexile » Sat Mar 08, 2008 1:26 pm

Ode to a penis
I'll tell you a short poem;
I'll try to make it quick.
You might think it quite harmless;
You might well find it sick.
The subject is quite simple:
The joy of having a dick.

Penises are super things;
You ladies should be jealous.
Ever since the early days,
When it was small and hairless;
I've looked upon that bit of flesh,
As something very precious.


It starts to grow dramatically,
When you're about thirteen.
Your testicles on either side;
Your willy in between.
When erect it's quite a sight;
A purple love machine.


It dangles neatly down below;
Obedient and loyal.
Its seeds are hidden well within;
Awaiting some fresh soil.
At the slightest hint of lust,
It's ready to uncoil.


It has a mind all of its own;
It's like a wild beast.
It squirms and writhes and stretches out;
When you expect it least.
You can't control its energy;
You must wait 'til it's ceased.

Handle it with love and care;
For it can give great pleasure.
Has it grown since last weekend?
And when did you last measure?
Still, no matter what its length;
It's something you should treasure.

Sometimes, yes, it misbehaves;
Erecting when it shouldn't.
A bumpy train ride sets it off;
Just when you wish it wouldn't.
Did that lady notice it?
You blush and hope she couldn't.

Some people fret about its size;
They give it lots of thought.
Is seven inches long enough?
It makes blokes quite distraught.
They peek across in public loos,
And try not to get caught.

Masturbating is a sin;
That's what some folk believe.
But those are just old wives' tales;
Outdated and naive.
And if you're feeling tense or stressed,
A quick wank does relieve.

Without this fabulous device,
No shag would be complete.
Lesbians will try their best;
But must admit defeat.
And what a handy tool it is,
When one needs to excrete.

The penis is quite marvelous;
It has so many uses.
For women it is special too;
Excitement it induces.
And babies can be procreated,
From its sperm-filled juices.

And always it remains with you;
Until you're old and frail.
Don't take it out in public though,
Or you'll be thrown in jail.
Just look at it and feel proud;
And thank the lord you're male.
"Those who have long enjoyed such privileges as we enjoy forget in time that men have died to win them"

“We sleep safe in our beds because rough men stand ready in the night to visit violence on those who would do us harm.”

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Dale White
Joined: Tue Mar 04, 2008 7:57 pm
Location: Rochdale

Re: O/T Jokes-sick or not, not fussed.

Postby Dale White » Sat Mar 08, 2008 1:57 pm

burnleyinexile wrote:They are going to make a film about Harold Shipman starring Robert De Niro. Title: The Old Dear Hunter.

:D
FUCK OFF BATES !!!

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burnleyinexile
Joined: Mon Feb 11, 2008 7:27 pm
Location: Take a wild guess

Re: O/T Jokes-sick or not, not fussed.

Postby burnleyinexile » Sat Mar 08, 2008 2:00 pm

The McCartney kids are at the family ranch anxiously awaiting news of their mother. Paul emerges from his wife's bedroom "Kid's.... there's good news and bad news."
"The bad news is your mother's strength and will to live has been sucked away by her awful disease and she died a few moments ago"
"The good news is.... It's steak and chips for dinner!"
"Those who have long enjoyed such privileges as we enjoy forget in time that men have died to win them"

“We sleep safe in our beds because rough men stand ready in the night to visit violence on those who would do us harm.”

User avatar
burnleyinexile
Joined: Mon Feb 11, 2008 7:27 pm
Location: Take a wild guess

Re: O/T Jokes-sick or not, not fussed.

Postby burnleyinexile » Sat Mar 08, 2008 4:34 pm

Two necrophiliacs are at work in the morgue. One of them turns to the other and says,
"You should have seen this woman they brought in last week. They pulled her out of the water after she'd been there for three weeks. Man, I'm tellin' you, her clit was just like a pickle."
"What," the other asks, "green?".
"No," says the first, " a bit sour."
"Those who have long enjoyed such privileges as we enjoy forget in time that men have died to win them"

“We sleep safe in our beds because rough men stand ready in the night to visit violence on those who would do us harm.”

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Dale White
Joined: Tue Mar 04, 2008 7:57 pm
Location: Rochdale

Re: O/T Jokes-sick or not, not fussed.

Postby Dale White » Wed Mar 12, 2008 12:25 pm

A scummer is cupping his hand to scoop water from a Highland stream.

Gamekeeper shouts " dinna drink thon waater, it's foo o'sh*te an pish"

Scummer replies, "can't understand you i'm from manchester, say again in english"

gamekeeper replies, " I said use both hands - you get more that way!!!
FUCK OFF BATES !!!

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burnleyinexile
Joined: Mon Feb 11, 2008 7:27 pm
Location: Take a wild guess

Re: O/T Jokes-sick or not, not fussed.

Postby burnleyinexile » Wed Mar 12, 2008 12:45 pm

Dale White wrote:A scummer is cupping his hand to scoop water from a Highland stream.

Gamekeeper shouts " dinna drink thon waater, it's foo o'sh*te an pish"

Scummer replies, "can't understand you i'm from manchester, say again in english"

gamekeeper replies, " I said use both hands - you get more that way!!!


:D
"Those who have long enjoyed such privileges as we enjoy forget in time that men have died to win them"

“We sleep safe in our beds because rough men stand ready in the night to visit violence on those who would do us harm.”

Beer Pig
Joined: Mon Feb 11, 2008 10:45 am
Location: Doncaster

Re: O/T Jokes-sick or not, not fussed.

Postby Beer Pig » Thu Mar 13, 2008 1:12 pm

Chief inspector Michael Todd has been found dead at the bottom of a cliff in Snowdonia. At last proof that pigs can't fly.
I gave up beer, it was the worst 15 minutes of my life.

up the peacocks
Joined: Mon Feb 11, 2008 2:49 pm
Location: liverpool
Contact:

Re: O/T Jokes-sick or not, not fussed.

Postby up the peacocks » Thu Mar 13, 2008 1:54 pm

The Welsh mining industry looks set for a comeback. Apparently they've found some copper in Snowdonia. 8)
If we had some eggs we could have bacon and eggs but we don't have any bacon.

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Supernorm
Joined: Mon Feb 11, 2008 8:36 am
Location: NI

Re: O/T Jokes-sick or not, not fussed.

Postby Supernorm » Thu Mar 13, 2008 2:27 pm

TALIBAN T.V.

* 6.00 G-Had TV.  Morning prayers.
* 8.30 Talitubbies. Talitubbies say "Ah-ah". Dipsy and Tinky-Winky repair a Stinger missile launcher.
* 9.00 Shouts of Praise. More prayers.
* 11.00 Jihad's Army. The Kandahar-on-Sea battalion repulse another
attack by evil, Imperialist, Zionist backed infidels.
* 12.00 Ready, Steady, Jihad! Celebrities make lethal devices out of
everyday objects.
* 12.30 Panoramadan. The programme reports on Americas attempts to take over the world

* 13.30 Xena: Modestly dressed Housewife. Xena stays at home and does some cooking

* 14.00 Only Fools and Camels. Dhal-Boy offloads some Chinese rocket launchers to Hamas.
* 14.30 Green Peter. The total of Kalashnikovs bought by the milk bottle top appeal is revealed.
* 15.00 Madrasah Challenge. Two more Islamic colleges meet.  Bambah Kaskhain asks the questions. 'Starter for ten, no praying.'
* 15.30 I Love 629. A look back at the events of the year, including the Prophet's entry into Mecca, and the destruction of pagan idols.
* 16.00 Question Time. Members of the public face questions from political and religious leaders.
* 17.00 Koranation Street. Deirdrie faces execution by stoning for adultery.
* 17.30 Middle-Eastenders. The entire cast is jailed for unislamic behaviour.
* 18.00 Holiday. The team go on pilgrimage to Mecca. Again.
* 18.30 Top of the Prophets. Will the Koran be No.1 for the 63,728th week running?
* 19.00 Who wants to be a Mujahadin? Mahmoud Tarran asks the questions Will contestants phone a mullah, go 'inshallah', or ask the Islamic council?

* 20.00 FILM: Shariah's Angels. The three burkha-clad sleuths go undercover to expose an evil scheme to educate women.
* 21.30 Big Brother. Who will be taken out of the house and executed this week?
* 22.30 Shahs in their Eyes. More hopefuls imitate famous destroyers of the infidel.

* 23.30 They think it's Allah over. Quiz culminating in the 'don't feel it the Mullah' round
* 0.00 When Imams attack. Amusing footage shot secretly in mosques. The filmers were also secretly shot.
* 0.30 The West Bank Show. Arts programme looking at anti-Israel graffiti art in the occupied territories.
* 1.30 Bhuffi the Infidel Slayer.
* 2.00 A book at bedtime. The Koran.  Again.
Gripper wrote: "I did a Shaolin Qi-Gong taster sesh a few weeks back. Dead good it was" :lol: :lol: :lol:

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Patrick-Hong Kong
Joined: Wed Feb 13, 2008 3:31 pm
Location: Hong Kong

Re: O/T Jokes-sick or not, not fussed.

Postby Patrick-Hong Kong » Thu Mar 13, 2008 2:38 pm

That's amusing.


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